The Happy Producer!

生日快乐。

2009-04-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

4月8日。去年的今天是我最幸福的一天。
她的20岁生日。她主动约我。我帮她在星巴克庆祝。
很简单的小庆祝，很温馨。
和她在一起，真的很开心。

而今年的今天，我只抱着一个愚蠢的念头，等待下去。
昨晚赶功课到凌晨4点。
今早真的很累，感觉身体温温的，好像发烧了。
但我想，或许今天会有奇迹吧。
如果她突然想起去年的今天，如果她突然想起我，想约我，那该多好。
凭着这傻念头，我起身装扮了。
但电话，仍没收到她的简讯或来电。
傻，我还是那么傻。

《喜欢》我的第一部短篇。
为她写的。所有的心思，自己的情绪一切都放进去了。
一部影片要打动人，制作的人一定要放入真正的爱。
Gloria看了跟我说，她看见了她在里头。是为了她吗？
是的。我说，今天是她21岁生日，算是为她准备她的生日礼物吧。
有必要吗？
我只觉得我必须拍这个故事。
把它当成一个结束？
我老早就像结束了，但我办不到。
屡次的失败，告诉了我，没必要再逼自己了。
顺去自然吧。
把所有对她的爱放在它身上。
把它当成一个纪念。
如果爱有分量有极限，我希望对她的爱赶快用完吧。
至少，努力往下走吧。
前面是个围墙，再努力，还是被挡着的。

她今年和她那诽闻男朋友的女生一起庆祝。
鲜红色的草莓。热闹温馨的日本酒吧。
或许我真的不是她们那圈子的人吧。
再想怎么融入，局外人就是局外人。
我不喜欢夜店，不能唱歌。钢琴也只会一点皮毛。

我只能守侯。只希望她开心。
她笑的样子，真的很可爱。:)

The cuts... and where's the pain?

2009-02-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

Ending life is not that easy.
i think that's y people love to cut themselves using blades instead.
getting into the most suitable mood yesterday, i tried that out.
well, i tink i can totally understand how it feels.
having the blades sliding very fast on the surface of ur skin..
droplets of blood slowly sips through the cuts...
amazingly, u dun feel the pain.
nothing is worse than wat ur heart's experiencing.
well... probably dere's too many cuts.
my leg just feels numb..
well.. it'll be ok...
it's not painful anyway. :D

没有生命的人。。。

2009-02-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

笑，是为了掩饰不开心。
开心，是为了掩饰内心的压力。
胡闹，是为了不让大家伤心。

我曾今说过，我不想当个招九完五的人。
不要因为月底的薪水而拖着脚步上班。
现在，很可惜。
我之前以为是一切的东西，我已经不在感兴趣了。
没有生命的人生，该怎么办呢？

昨天，我以为我对这份工作还有热忱。
阳天，周颖，雅慧，和他们闹得很开心。
可是，可惜，这样的工作天，现在或许应该用‘难得一件’或‘稀有’来形容吧。

很多很多很烦躁的事一直在围绕着我。
功课的压力，工作我认为的无礼。
我不能怪任何人，没人犯错。
或许错的是我吧。
不能两者坚固。
是我的失败。

今天，我更失败。
竟然连我最在行的掩饰，也失败了。
我竟然在大家面前落泪了。
我太不会控制自己的情绪了。
是我做的不好，凭什么哭泣？
凭什么心情不好呢？

我一向觉得自己EQ很高。人际关系都处理的很好。
但最近，我真的不懂得如何处理。
我发现我真的没办法和别人沟通。
我不明白他们为什么没办法为我设想？
我真的快崩溃了。
如果生命能从新再来，我会选择不当个开心果。

或许因为是的开心，大家不允许我伤心。
把自己的目标设得太高，没人会允许我有任何得松懈。
我宁愿大家从来不对我有任何要求，至少我不会令任何人失望。
我宁愿我不是开心果，因为至少我有权力伤心。
我只是个平凡人，我也不过20岁。
饶了我好吗？

你们真的要挑战我得极限吗？

窝囊废

2009-02-05T09:10:00.001-08:00

窝囊废 a term tat juliet the alien calls me..
true, i agree..
often i wonder y do i take things so hard..
if i can care less, life would definitely be much better..
y do i bother? y do i bother so much abt work? y do i bother so much abt sch?
y do i bother so much abt my family? y do i bother so much abt how ppl feels?
if i don;t bother so much, i guess i'll be much happier.
i've always know myself very well. i know my strength, i know my weakness.
n i've always hated myself for caring too much, trying too hard about everything that i care.
job is just a job. at the end of the day, what could mediacorp give me?
sch is just sch. at the end of the day, i just need that cert.
if i don;t care much, if i could just blurt out my anger, my fustration about anything n everything, n nt take anyone's feelings into consideration, probably life would be much easier for me. i don;t have to let tear flow down my cheeks, alone in a dark room. i don;t want any sympathy, i don;t need any sympathy, well, in the 1st place, i'm just a another of the friends of my friends.
i always tried, i tried nt to care abt anyone's feeling. i tried to be like those boys. flirt with the girl, get the girl, ignore everyone else, and when u're sick for the girl, or when u found someone else, just come out with some stupid reasons to dump the girl. i tried to be like those ppl. get the money from their parents, spend them all as i wish, n when they don't provide enough, pack my bag n leave the house. i tried to be like those slackers, play all day, take things as it comes, wait for everyone else to do the stuff, settle it when there's no other easier solution, come to worse beg for mercy at the end of the day. i want to be these ppl. at the end of the day, i'm just another friend, i'm just another student, i'm just another worker. y do i care so much when everyone else aren't?
i'm nt sure wat's goin on. is it work? is it school? i'm really nt sure, but i know yes, i feel suffocated.
life sucks! i said that million of times. but i'm nvr brave enuf to end it. 窝囊废as i'm called. so what if i'm gone i thought? does it make a difference? no. the earth still spins, students still goes to school, workers still goes to work, life is still life. i'm probably just another vanished colleague, just another vanished classmate, just another vanished friends, just another vanished daughter.
so y shld i bother? ydo i haf to do the things, when everyone else just wait for a solution? y shld i bother.
probably, if i could take things easy, if i couldn't care much abt how she'll feel, that night i would have abruptly held her hands, n nt let it go. would things be different?
probably not, i'm just another person who tries to hold her hands.
yea.. y shld i care, i'm just a nobody.

for once, i disagree with stephen chow. being a mean person is being nice to urself, but being a nice person, it's the meanest things u can ever do to urself.

being mean, being slack, n nt caring abt anything, probably one day when i starts to bother, everyone will feel that i've improved, changed for the better. but when i've set my standard high, it's different. when i thought i really tired, when i make a small mistake, i'm condemmed for life. well, or probably i just another irritating person that no one could bother about. n yes, i'm still working hard towards being mean, being a slacker. i'll rather be nice to myself, since i still din have the courage to end life.

我很开心，但我不快乐

2009-02-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

“我很开心，但我并不快乐，Charlene,你明白这心情对吗？”

那晚聊天的时候，Dion这样问到。明白，完全明白。
总觉得自己似乎太久没好好休息放假了吧。
工作时，真的很开心。和大家闹得嘻嘻哈哈。
但以前对于工作所得的成就感，似工作如生命的那种热诚，
一切一切，似乎都消失了。
不时问自己，那么拼，到底为了什么呢？
我制作的影片，试问有多少人看过呢？
做了那么多，为了是什么呢？
人家随随便便问几个问题，都有比我的影片更多的观众。
但要随便乱剪，又觉得对不起那些接受我访问的艺人。

上学，和同学在一起哈啦玩游戏，真的很开心。
但学校的事真的给我很大的压力。
我的确是个不负责认的学生。
我开心，但我不快乐。

和朋友在一起，总是吵吵闹闹，真的很开心。
记得庆曾今很爱叫我‘大忙人’。
对啊，不是为学业忙，就是为工作忙。
忙得总觉得时间不够用。
终于，抽出一些时间与朋友聚聚，中学同学，poly同学，依迷朋友，同事。
但怎么，我很忙，周围都很多朋友，但怎么感觉自己是寂寞的呢？

回想起来，曾今有段日子无所事事，但觉得每天都在期盼明天的到来。
没常和一大群朋友一起出去，但原来2个人，也不感到寂寞。

我以为把注意力寄托在其他事上，我就不会想她。
但，我怎么还常常梦见她，和她开心的日子，
和她再有可能再相间，问好，甚至如已往一样。
但一切都不可能，这我比谁都清楚。

每次daddy mummy提起啊公，我都不太想多说，或把一切看的很不在乎。
可能是从小就被他们训练的很坚强吧。
我不喜欢让他们看到我的弱点。
终于，那天去拜基他了。
好多好多的话想对他说，但眼眶渐渐湿了。

我的生活，还真的乱到可以。
现在的我，可以说成事不足，败事有馀。
什么都弄不好。工作是这样，学业更不用说。
友情，感情，亲情，也都一大糊涂。

有很多朋友在身边，但我仍然寂寞。
我很开心，但我始终不快了。

问世间，情唯何物？

2009-01-04T07:47:00.000-08:00

老掉牙的题目，但参不透的事实。
姨姨昨天和那混蛋大吵了一架，我们差点出了车祸。
我这生中第一次见到姨姨生气。
记得小时候顽皮，常欺负姨姨，但她从没向我发过脾气。
昨天，mummy为了不相干的事和那混蛋争执了。
姨姨火了。mummy和混蛋的争执，转变成姨姨和混蛋的大吵。
混蛋说我们家全是泼妇，姨姨起了。姨姨要下车，混蛋不让。
结果在车上吵起来了。姨姨用脏话骂她。
他骂回姨姨。我火了。我忍。姨姨刮了他一巴掌。
姨姨带着子建下车。我们离开了。子建吓着了。
姨姨说，回家后，子建一声也不吭。可怜的孩子。
今天，姨姨带着子建和女佣到了二姨家。
她，离家出走了。

我从来不了解姨姨怎么会看上这种人。
什么都不会，只会说一堆有的没的。
令啬的很。他的一切，是姨姨给的。他什么都不是。
很多时候，都为姨姨不值。

还是二姨说的对，男人是祸水。
婚姻是爱情的坟墓，孩子是人生的坟墓。

爱情的可怕，我应该懂得，我应该学会。
可是，我怎么都学不乖呢？
我这几天一直频频梦见她。
梦见我们再次相遇。
尴尬的很，但我仍然如此渴望。
我始终放不下她。
她，最近似乎需要点鼓励。
忍不住在想，若是从前的话，该多好。
家里不开心的事，我能向她诉苦。
而她需要的鼓励，我能给予她。
以前那段日子真开心。
幸福真的很简单。
可惜，她的幸福，我给不了。

2009年，我只希望能见她多一次，还有，只求她能幸福开心。

Sob Sob

2008-12-29T01:14:00.000-08:00

wahahahahha!!! bullshit all those fortune tellers! say wat 2008 is a good yr for dragon and virgos.. BULLSHIT!!!! falling out of love.. and now.. I CANT EVEN PASS MY FTT and my BIKE 1.02!!!!! shits!!! am i really such a road hazard... wah lao! i tink no one spent as much $ as me for car theory lor! i missed 2 FTT, and failed 2! wah lao! and the best thing is that i passed my evaluation today lor! shit!!!! n i failed my FTT right after it! agrhs!! i hate public transport!!!! pls.. just let me pass n so i can don't need to take public transport!!! agrhs!!!!!
shit... go continue watching my dvd! TVB rocks!!! Charmaine sheh.. rocks!! she so hot!! totally love her!!! omg!!!oki.. hahah!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas People!! hehe.. i'm happy!:D
Whee.. just watched finish the last few eps of Forensic Heroes II.
For those who knew, yes, i just realised tat we can actually borrow TVB DVD for free in SBD! SHIT! all becuz of Auntie Rose. but well, she helped me get presents for Cynthia, Cheryl n ppl, so oki, i'll forgive her! and also thanks to my beloved 2 shi jie who lend me the Forensic Heroes II DVD!! I LOVE BELL!!!!!!! oki.. i mean Charmaine Sheh! she so seh and pretty in the show!!!! totally love her!

wow! i've got a really crazy wk this wk! it's xmas! 1st, we've got our SBD lunch party... n after tat we exchanged presents and all... so super unproductive that day. after that, i've got my Chapman Xmas party.. damn crazy.. there's just so much food, so much liquor.. totally crazy! but yea.. lots of fun too! and then, this mornin.. i had a nightmare tat Fiona they went KTV w/o me! i jumped out of bed and discovered.. shit! it's 9.30am! i'm suppose to start work at 9am!! lol.. i rushed to work.. but well, there's like a potluck party la.. so i tried to sneak into the party w/o anyone seeing me.. but at the lift lobby at annex, i saw cynthia! she's like saying tat i'm late.. lol! but well.. it's like just party the whole day lor.. n we knock off at 12! hehE! n yesh! i finally went for my KTV!!!!! YEAH!!! like totally.. i feel accomplished for the year man! haha! but the irritating fiona keeps snatching mic wif me n preventing me from singing.. :( but well.. the food at top one is good la! hehe! KTV + good food= happy! but then.. my day has to end off wif baby sitting tat stupid boy! =.= thank god Forensic Heroes II brightened my day still! luckily Bell chose the right person!!! :D lol!

oh.. and ytd, Kening gave us candy canes.. *yum yum* n there's a quote attached to it.. G was saying i can totally relate to mine. haha! i can't helped but to ask Kening if she chose it particularly for everyone or just random pick.. she said some's chosen and some's random.. :) here's the quote...

"There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love" -Rabbi Shumley Boteach

sweet!

continue loving those i love, cuz my heart will tell me if they are worth or not.
Merry Christmas People!

羡慕

2008-12-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

好久没联络的嘛吉。今天和他聊起。他跟我坦诚他是双性恋，而且现在正和一个男生热恋中。
呵呵。真羡慕。他问我为什么不惊讶，我说，我不也是吗？哈哈。其实，我认为每个人都是双性恋，只是看你碰到什么人。他和他的开始，怎么和我和她的那么相识啊？这就是年轻人的世界吗？呵呵。可惜，我没他幸运。我和她，没开心的结局。但，很庆幸，她的努力真的有回报了。当了明星了。电影原生带也出了。而我这不起眼的陌生人，真的真的不能再想和她碰面了。也祝我亲爱的朋友幸福快乐。这次一定要好好珍惜哦！：D

SIAN!

2008-12-14T08:16:00.001-08:00

today is the 2nd day of my holiday!
n i'm officially sick of it now!
i've done so much today.. watched one million star, Stephen Chow on Kangxi and ate super wonder carrot cake at the same time tonight. watch one of stephen chow's dvd.
played taxes hold'em. done with my hair. too horrible to do anything abt it now. n also.. i'm too lazy to chk out updates on facebook.
lazy to clear my mailbox. lazy to take out my mouse from my bag to play 3d paintball.
lazy to switch on tv to look for more tv programmes. lazy to pack my room.
lazy to look for my cat. lazy to look for my handphone.lazy to chat wif my friends on msn.lazy to chk out how shitty my friendster acct is now.
so.. i'm done wif my holidays i guess! ARGHS!!! IT'S GETTING BORING!!!!
but tmr gotta go pray wif mummy.. so not going to office.. sian!
haiz.. i tink i'm really a workaholic.. when i stop working.. i just feel weird. arghs... sucks! oh.. well, it's still better than messing up my life. yes.. i tink i shld go back to work. hmm... or not i'll be messing up my life again like this yr's march... no no no.. arghs! life sucks!

2 more days to go!!!

2008-12-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

YES! holiday;s coming!!! :D

haha, looking at my previous blog post, seems quite scary. Well, probably my hatred for her is building over the years. I misses Grandpa dearly, n i regretted totally for missing a childhood memory with Mummy. But well, although school work and exams totally killing me, but i thought these few days, though really crazy, it's kinda fun too.

Our dear Audrey is back in Singapore!! haha! went to her house for a gathering. really fun n crazy. After that went for a drink with Deb, G and 'Uncle Juan kor kor'( as Uncle foo insisted and G trying to be mean). N i've just got to say, this week is crazy! the entire week is just about chionging assignments in school! Finally cleared HBHG! arghs! slept at 5 last night cuz of that! and today, super lok.. and June insisted on a class photo! shit! and of cuz! Monday went to the poh kim and innoform sales wif Jen, Eng Tiong and Uncle Foo... haha! i mean Juan kor kor. and i got this Stephen Chow collection!!! i think 10 Stephen Chow older movies, just for $15!!!!! OMG!!!!! how cool?!?!? but well, can't watch them now.. shit!

but well, of course i still know how to de-stress.. but even if i don't Jen will remind us! haha! yes, we always starts our assignments with 'Taboo'. Haha! well, 3 down for the week... 2 more to go! shit!

i'm pretty worried now. cuz i'm having flu, slight fever and sore throat. and i've got the stupid bug's life to analyse. i hate the film! the creepy crawlies turns me off! it shld be classified as Children Horror man! and fri's exam.. i'm so damn dead la! the whole 14 wks i also don't wat i doing in class. shit man! how to study for the exams? i don't even know if i've have all the notes.. shit! but i really must finish my analysis by tmr. so after sch we can all go play 'Taboo' again! haha! i think all of us too stress le.. nvm.. 2 more days to go!

Good Job!

Waiting For Her Death

2008-12-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

As all movie goes... The antagonist will have their retribution and all audience loves to witness their death. As for this family drama that has been on-going for years, none of you would ever understand how great it is to witness the moment. Not that it has come, but waiting. Waiting patiently. Knowing that it won't be long.

Diagnosed with all sort of illness all over her body, all she can do is wait for her death. Her death that is not going to arrive so easily for her. writing this blog, it's as though writing the greatest score for the classical music to be passed down for the future generation. The great tune that is playing in the air. How great.

Although she's still such a bitch to have woke me up from my sweet dream this morning, fuckingly leaned her entire monstrous weight on my chest, showing me her hideous face when i opened my eyes, faking how sick she is, calling me to get her breakfast, the wonderful melody is still playing in my head. 'Cause i know. her death is soon to come.

Fuck whatever hell she is giving to my family, seeing her suffer, makes me feel that our suffering is nothing compared to hers, and that's a thing to celebrate. I wonder how great it would feel to see her lifeless body lying in the coffin. Every night, i just can't help to dream about how i kill her. I've dreamt of stabbing her to death, punching her in her face, slapping her and telling her how much i hated her. Often woke up by my parents yelling at her 'cause of all irritating stuff that she made them do. But chill, i told myself. God will take care of it. Karma.

One day, if she drove me crazy enough, i would have asked her, 'What if, Grandpa is still around. You wouldn't have suffer anything as such. But it's ok, you caused his death. What were you doing when he need someone to get him breakfast when he's so sick in bed? you can't be bothered. But i bother! i got you your breakfast. So i'm not the culprit for your death in the near future. and so that you suffer more as you live. Your children, your beloved goody children that you loved so much. They treat you like their burden. Ironically, your badly boy, he's providing for your living. How ironic! Your goody girl don't even allow you to go to her house! How ironic. but you deserve everything!'

I've been picturing what how i would be like during her funeral. I'll just do everything that your worst daughter-in-law tells me to. Only those that she tells me to. Remember! I did it 'cause she tells me to. I'll never shed a single tear upon your death, well, i won't even be at your deathbed. And after all the necessity procedures, i won't even be at your funeral! i'll be happily playing my games, watching my tv and sleeping at home. I won't bother to burn any incense for you. Well, have you burnt for him? NO! you never went to pray him after his death! all you knew was to find excuses for yourself! You deserve it. But he don't!

He's the nicest person on the planet. What makes him end up in such a death? i can't even be at his deathbed. i can't even tell him that i love him before he's gone. He can't even be properly dressed or made up before going into the coffin. He don't deserve these!!!!! And she, she just revealed the ugliest, selfish-iest sight of her to him before he died. How heartbroken would he feel? The woman that he loved with his life. How heartbroken would it be for him? and she weren't even at his deathbed. how selfish is it?

And all these, it her retribution for all she's done to him. All your beloved children abandoned you. Your beloved grandchild can't be bothered about you. All they know is to shout at you. i wonder if she's understand why is she getting all these? Karma.

If he's still around, it wouldn't be the same for her. He would still love her and takegood care of her with all his energy. And i would, i would take care of her if he tells me to. But too bad, he's gone.

Let's countdown to her death.

为你编剧本。

2008-11-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

吴克群为心爱的人写诗。
我不会写诗，更不懂音乐。
但为了学校的作业，我编了个电影剧本。
原本已观众需求的道理，已我们曾今一起看过的电影《恋空》成功的道理去写剧本。
偶像剧。
我不懂爱情。
爱情，我总是惨败收场。
但偶像剧，它需要的是个耐人寻味的甜蜜爱情。
而偶像剧，是个绝对能成功的一种电影。
这时候，我应该继续写这故事的。
故事都在我的脑海。
可是，想像着画面，写着写着，你的脸孔出现了，渐渐也成为了居中女主角。
剧情，对我是如此讽刺。
我渴望的剧情。
男主角，认识了一个换有自闭证的女主角。
女主角封闭自己，不接受任何人。
男主角因为对她产生好奇而渐渐对她有好感。
女主角因为爱上了他吉他的音乐，而渐渐接受他。
而你，唯一的不同，只是你自己选择了封闭，女主角天生就自闭。
就只有他走得进你的世界吗？
我不应该在边界处逗留。
你说你过得很好。
是我多心吗？
怎么你最近拍的照片，让我感觉你还是如此孤单呢？
我的故事没有结局。
女主角，男主角会在一起吗？
我不知道。
如果有一天我能拍成电影，女主角的角色，你会饰演吗？

或许我跟别人说，我还不想拍电影。
正确的说，我目前写的剧本在期待女主角的再次出现。

+= S T A R S T R U C K E D ! =+

2008-11-24T08:26:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, i'm once again star struck! I remember the last time was like during 25th Anniversary, still remember the first week of work. The 1st time i see so many local celebrities gathered at the TVT. I saw my favourite Zoe Tay, Dawn Yeoh, Huang Bi Ren, Li Nan Xing, Tay Ping Hui and after that, i got to see them more often during my stay in Mediacorp, so the star struck syndrome was totally gone. Remember that day, i only took a photo with Dawn. haha! i was too shy to approach anyone, and Dawn was because Dion knows her well.

And yesterday, 45th Anniversary! hehe! well, initially i was more like stressed la! cuz rundown not done, everything not prepared. well, doesn't really matter cuz my rundown ended up becoming rough paper. lol! it's damn crazy ytd la! we din had time to have proper briefing and all, so what we did was, JUST WHACK! lol! as usual. but i thought afterall, i'm really proud of my team! like taking the bloody P2 for 3 hours, editing non stop for 3 hours! my god! no one can survive such craziness man, besides my beloved colleagues! haha! :X

But ytd, when they start refreshing my childhood memory of TV programmes.. hmm.. i really missed them all! the day that i really watch tv, no. more like glued to the TV. City Beat, Comedy Night, Chu Lu, Peace of Life, Aiyoyo, Don't Worry Be Happy, i miss them all! and besides that, everyone look gorgeous la! Oki, i just have to admit, Dawn look ugly ytd! her clothes and her hair! hmm.. whazz up man? lol.. talking about this line, stupid 715 ytd just walked pass me n greet me with that line.. =.= sometimes i thought celebrities are kinda bo liao at times too. but yes, he looks good too ytd. and hunks, how can TPH not be labeled as one? he look.. SHUAI!!! and Pat looks super seh la! but i kinda feel bad. cuz whenever i intv her, she's either putting on makeup or imitating some ugly roles.. lol! i really wanted to get a proper intv with her but haiz.. i feel bad. and also jeanette.. she looks GORGEOUS!!!! i totally can't recognise her!!! she looks.. Woooo! Joanne also! think maybe also cuz i've seen them in nyonya clothes too often alrdy le la! haha! DYT still looks cute. haha! Fann look gorgeous! but just that she gt a 6-inch heels, she can't really walk. sitting down all the time. lol! oh.. another pretty lady that caught my eyes is PAIGE CHUA! i tink not much people knows about her yet, she's the forensic detective in Crime Busters x2. she looks SEH! but she looks too cool to get close, so i kinda dun really dare to approach her to intv her. :S

but ytd i feel v bad la.. a lot of ppl that i shld intv n i din. :( ppl like dasmond, arghs.. cuz in the end terris told us to keep and stop the intvs alrdy.. so arghs i'm actually like trying to avoid him to avoid awkwardness.. :( and jeanette, i really din had time to get her. i feel so bad la! haiz.... how i hope i life only has to revolve ard such stuff.

just chked my email. i'm in deep shit. yes i know! shit! sometimes i hope i'm never back at school. i like my classmates, i like my lecturers. but everything that's getting on my ass, i hate them all. they make me hate school. they make me hate mondays, thursdays and fridays. how i hope i can just disappear. i hate school! i hate myself for being a bad student. i hate everything related to school! i hate them all!

Happy Smiley People :D

2008-11-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

Today i was editing Reunion Dinner. I was editing the clip on "Zheng Ning 1st Drama". Hmm... i just felt happy when i was viewing her interview. haha! i realised it's the smile on her. Always smiling so happily. :D n i told fiona, probably that's y i like Dawn also. Always smiling so happily. and Joanne, Jeanette at times. they're always so excited about everything and it's joy a to really view their footages. hmm... looking forward to next tuesday, continuing my edits.

haiz.. next thursday it's Little Nyonya's press conference. but i've got a law negotiation in class.. so sian! arghs!!!! i really feel like going man.. I MISS LITTLE NYONYA!!!

简单的小快乐

2008-11-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

有人说我最近的blog还是整天在抱怨这个，抱怨那个的。读了也跟着不开心。
其实最近真的没有什么很开心的事啦。
没有ZY，没有小蔡，没有假期，没有突然很多钱，只有很多功课。
刚去了小壮的blog，他好想要一个伴。
想起他和Sinky的事，还真的觉得很可惜。
能有一个让你关心，让你时时刻刻想念的人，甜蜜的烦恼，有谁不要呢？

但说起小壮，Sinky他们，好怀念以前那无里头的挺依日子。
在舞临大道上看到球球的表演，还是一样的帅。
以前，只要见到小蔡，到小蔡的blog逛一逛，看一看她的影片，心情就很好了。
这简单的小快乐，怎么现在不起作用了呢？
小蔡的CD出了一个星期，我知道昨晚才知道。还是弟弟告诉我的。
记得以前，常有人问我，会那么疯狂依林到什么时候？
我说，知道她退出的那天。
以前常会想，为什么那些哥哥姐姐到了人生某种阶段，会放弃依林呢？
原来，人会在不知情的情况下成长改变。

但虽然常抱怨很累很烦，但生活还是有很多小小的快乐。
并不追星，但踏进电视台，心情是多么愉快的。
遇到很多熟悉的脸孔，爱闹我的人。
所有面临的烦恼，都抛到脑后了。
出去拍摄，和艺人，工作人员一起辛苦，一起玩闹，有苦有乐，感觉真好。
和同事有说不完的话，什么都能聊。
偶尔一起出去吃吃美食，谈谈心，感觉真好。

虽然，目前我还真的搞不清楚我和某些艺人们的关系，总觉得他们都在我们面前带着面具。
但偶尔，和他们在一起，那感觉真好。
昨晚尽然梦见《小娘惹》和《团员饭》一块拉队到运顶拍摄。
我们都玩得很开心。
而拍完后，居然还能逗留多两天，和他们玩得很开心。
哎～～看来我开始想念他们了！
真希望不用回去上学，不用为一些有的没的烦恼，开开心心的工作就好。

虽然没有这些大大的开心事，但偶尔的小小快乐，我应该知足了。
虽然我不是最开心最幸福的人，单身一个，但生活里的一切小小快乐事，足够我期待每天的到来。
我，还是开心的。 :D

我亲爱的小娘惹们：

从前的我们

2008-11-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

那天小壮突然来找我聊天。聊了一下。他问我为什么消失了那么久。
对啊。忘了从几时开始消失的。但或许当时的原因，现在已经不重要了吧。
小壮说他也好久没理小蔡的事了。他也在专心念书。
就应该这样吧。或许人到了某个阶段就必须为自己好好的奋斗。
而我，之后开始想起好多过去的一些时光。

这是一张我非常喜欢的照片。我，小壮，小童和漱娟。那是第一次和漱娟，伟强，clarence他们到台湾。第一次有小童小壮他们带我们到处玩。自由自在的。无忧无虑。那时玩得真开心。那是我到台湾玩得最开心的一次。

好久没和骑士帮的麻吉聊天什么的了。就连伟，雄，漱娟，clarence他们，我也因为太忙，和因为和ZY之间的问题，让我好多次放他们飞机了。自己的生日会那次，应该是我感到最抱歉的吧。我觉得我这个人，或许真的很自我中心吧。很多次朋友圈子中，总会喜新厌旧。曾今因为骑士帮，而和中学的死党疏远了。又因为poly的同学，和骑士帮疏远。之后，再因为骑士帮，和poly的同学疏远。之后，又因为开始工作，认识了新同事，和骑士帮疏远了。很多时候，都因此觉得自己很自私，感到很内疚。

真不知道哪天我们骑士帮又能再次一起出国玩，挺小蔡。
骑士帮10周年约定我还没忘。明年就10周年了，那约定我们能实现吗？

Stupid Life

2008-11-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

oki.. haven been updating my blog...
yesh.. i've been super duper ultra crazy busy recently... not really la.. just lazy.. lol!
anyway, guess where am i now?

BINGO! School.. lol..
finish chatting wif stupid Juliet Chow on facebook..
G finally gt a facebook acct.. just finish irritating her dere too..
and my dearest lecturer.. he's going through some production industrial rate Juan's compiled.. and he din realised he's going over something he's just gone through 20 min ago.. lol! he's oki la.. still cute old lecturer.. lol!

anyway, i can't really rmb wat happened even since i last blog, but last week's really crazy. Wed, i sprained my knee again! the bloody same spot as like.. 6 yrs ago.. omg.. ya! 6 yrs from sec 2.. wa! old le :S
anyway.. nth big deal.. din haf time to c doc until fri nite, cuz i've gt like 2 full day sch on thurs and fri. got back my test result.. bloody sian.. C and C+.. wahahaha! the usual me.. BTC.. lol!

n fri.. gt hell aft receiving sms from dion.. just told Juliet Chow tat i'm so gonna kill her for that on tues. stupid gal!

n daddy's back! yeah! just got my pocket $.. but so sian! so craving for LGS breakfast ytd.. but i've gt this serious sinus. shit! it's like something corroding my cheek bone the whole nite! arghs... so i woke up late again. din go for piano... n dere goes my LGS breakfast! anyway, the sweetest auntie rose's gonna get us mcdonalds breakfast on wed!!! yeah! AUNTIE ROSE ROCKS!

and then, in the afternoon ytd, i've gt cravings for steamboat! called Dion, but she's soing out with her family.. :( Fiona's hard at work. :( and yixuan, she doesn't reply my sms! so i ended up eating peperlunch at imm alone...:(

so sian.. oki.. tat's all for my boring life.. before my lecturer spot me blogging n read out my entire blog.. :S

School sucks!

2008-10-17T00:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, my life sucks.. i'm in school now.. attending a lecture.. but what am i doing? blogging! =.= that's how much school sucks!

well, probably i really start to hate school more and more.. cuz it's really totally not i expected it out of. Probably i'm to naive from the start. To have a concept that i should be well spending my uni life and the $ that i'm spending on the course. But well, the good thing is that me and daddy finally came to a consensus. I'm back in school yes, fuck what the school is gonna give me, i'm just paying for the stupid paper that i'll be getting at the end of the 2 years.

Ironically, i was totally against this concept. But well, i'm too tired to fight. There's nth so perfect for life.

I've always thought this course would really be the marketing, the business aspect of media, but well, that's how they sell, but apparently not. They just packaged FSV courses into another fancy packaging. well, i really dun give a damn abt it now.

apparently seems like someone is unhappy abt me missing a class, but i thought, well, as compared to the rest, i'm at least never late for any class for the time being. I'm at least serious during class. oki fine, i'm nt cock suckers, i dun go ard socialising building a gd image in front of lecturers, it's me, i totally dun care abt such stuff. still the same me. i'll do my stuff, whether u appreciate or not, i'm clear what i've to do and what i'm doing.

That's the thing. sneaky people everywhere. still trying hard to learn the tactics from them.. but i really dun give a damn man!

Sometimes when sitting in class, i wonder, y am i go thru these shit again. yes, it's really enjoyable at times.. but where's the marketing n business stuff that i was told of? gosh.. that's y.. never be the guinea pig!

Dead tired...

2008-10-11T05:38:00.000-07:00

i don't know y.. but this course, Creative Producing seems to be killing my passion for media.. sad to say. it's nt like it's really boring la.. but i just see myself so minute among the rest. All i know about media pertains to Mediacorp.
as compared to the rest, like Juan, Jen, JD, Leon etc etc, i seems to have known too little. The films that they talked abt, the directors, the actors, i dun noe many of it, u noe, i'm always the super heck care type.. sleeping thru my film history, introduction to film and regional cinema class, i totally feel the stress now. I really would like to put in my best effort, but i just couldn't. as compared to work, school stuff are just so much more boring and irritating. and really sad to say, thoughts of quitting school keeps appearing in my head. i know there's also other ppl who dun really know much abt the arty films and directors, but probably like wat i try to convince myself, i've been stressing myself too much. sometimes, i wonder if i really made the right choice.

well, forget abt all the stupid irritating stuffs, tdy when i switched on the tv, happened to saw this documentary abt this hk band named 'Alive'. Band members includes Daniel Wu (Wu Yan Zu), Terrence (acted in a few Jackie Chan's movie.), Conroy and Andrew (Lian Kai). i like the concept of how they pieced it together.. pretty entertaining. and really abt the insights of entertainment industry that audience never get to see it. sometimes i thought, if we could have such freedom while doing our 'making of', that'll be damn cool.. but well, mediacorp, forget abt it! enjoy!

Back from Melaka!

2008-10-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Finally back!

Kinda had fun dere... though was pretty shag after the few days shoot.. but for he nice food that i've enjoyed dere.. everything is WORTH! hehe!

but i din noe after coming back.. so many things happened.. or rather for me to settle. :(
just finished putting my clothes to wash just now.. n finally washed my dirty smelly shoe... that's coated with a thick layer of grey powder used for the explosive scene... I need a shoe washing service man! n after washing my shoe, i totally gt no more strength la.. so i threw away my shoelaces! muaahhahahaha! :X decided to get a new one.. since it's more worth than wasting my energy washing it..

n for sch.. kinda screwed leh! oki la.. nt that bad la.. 1 script, 2 pitch. =.=
n for god's sake.. i haven did anything for the holy blood holy grail thingy.. damn sian la!
the thought of it makes me slp le... =.=
n next next wk.. it's MID-TERM EXAMS!!!! Pengs~~~~
i hope dere weren't much to study man....

n btw, i need last wk's U-Weekly U周刊.. if anyone has it, pls let me noe... thanks!
Will upload some nice photos of my Melaka trip! (frankly speaking.. i still dunoe which is the right spelling for this stupid state =.=)

忘了她

2008-09-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

我知道如果Fiona和Dion读到这篇，又要开始骂我了。
和她，算是了结了。但我不得不承认，这些日子，我还是有到她的blog那看看。
对她，说实在，我真的很失望。有时候，真的因为她，因为接触某些LWS的学生，
觉得LWS把他们教的好好哦。好Media-trained哦。
Train的我有时怀疑他们是如何对待与我们这些记者的关系。
这就是娱乐圈！
记得Donut说过，明星和我们是两个世界的人。Bro,算你说对了吧。
虽然真的对她死心了，但不得不承认我偶尔还是会想她。
但庆幸，次数减少了。
可是，最近似乎一直看到她的诽闻男友。
我也不知道是不是她啦。只是感觉真的很想在她blog上面看到的。
她竟然在我阿姨朋友的电脑店上班。
也没什么啦。
对她的事，我不想再过问了。
真的祝她好运吧！

下星期时间都排得满满的！
要去马来西亚拍摄了！
第一次出国拍摄，超兴奋的。
但去之前，一定得把功课先作完。:(

Super(Fun)Band becoming Super(sian)Band!

2008-09-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

last monday was one of my saddest day of Superband.
My dearest darling band, 5 People is out!!!! SHIT!
and my favourite band, a band that i really like their music style, that i really feel the music when i see them play, Screamm, is out too!!!!! SHIT!
i'm just super sad.
n the stupid boy Ben thia keep coming up to us and say,' i know u all very sad that we're out rite?!'
n i replied,' ya rite! do i look like i'm sad?' duh!
but oki.. i'm sad.. they're cute.. lol!
n kwan yue, Jon n the super kiam pa Hiroshi cried.. i film down the whole crying.. but my heart aches... i could feel that my eyes are wet.. n i noticed fiona, yixuan's eyes are a little red too.. :(
yea.. like fiona said,' we shldn't be too close to them.. ' hmm.. rmb 1 line tat Jeffery Deaver said in his Licoln Rhyme novels.. 'never feel for the subject of your profession.. it makes u lose our objectiveness.'

Then Jon was saying that it's as though they're running a race and at the same time their grandmother is in the hospital. so in order to finish the race, they ignore n left their dying grandmother in the hospital. at 10m near the finishing line, they tripped and fell. and at the same time their grandmother passed away!
then stupid juliet just heard the last line. n she's wondering.. huh? their grandmother died ah? then y they still so happy? n Jon was like.. no la.. our real gransmother din die la..just a comparison.. lol!
n finally, we took a photo with them.. and Jocelyn was like.. wah! u all finally show ur face le ah? lol.. n also, we made a deal wif andy n xiao pang. we finally took a nice photo with them n told them to delete all our unglam photos.. haha!

Then Ben thia asked us out from supper.. we try to reject.. but in the end, we're still convinced. =.- n Jon wanted to wait for WZ. So while the rest made their way dere, we accompanied him until WZ came out. chatted quite long.. they're just really cute la.. haha!

n during the supper, stupid Ben thia keep asking us if he can work for us. He says he sensed a celebrity talent, performing talent in him.. lol! n after harassing us throughout our supper, he asked us, eh.. wat u all do btw huh? =.=
n stupid hiroshi is just so happy that he can mrb our names n age. =.=

They said we made Superband fun.. aw.. so sweet.. n Screamm said that too us to.. i really feel tat they really did v well n just shldn't be out.. haiz.. so sad...
but anyway.. really had a great having fun with them..n the sense of satisfaction that they like our videos.. they still appreciate us though we constantly irritate them to get our interviews.. :D

n after the supper, me n yixuan sent Kunio back home.. n we're stopped by the police! Thanks for his thick make up n nice hairdo.. haiz.. stupid boy!

anyway i'm really lookin fwd to little nyonya malacca trip next week! my 1st overseas production shoot.. WHEE!! just hope i'll be back in time for Superband's grand finals! good luck guys!

Production SHITS!

2008-09-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

I simply dun understand y ppl just have to make production at the very last min..
and at the very last min, our p2 store crashed! thanks lor!
i also dun understand y parents just dun bother to take care of their kids when they're at an environment prone to danger! and their stupid kids just never realise the danger!
good.. go try jumpin ard a C-stand wif a kino on it lor.. c when topples and crash u flat.. will the kids cry 1st or i cry 1st... i'll most prob just film it down n sell it to the press then help the stupid kid! stupid idiots!
Ohh.. but Adrian's kids super cute la.. Zac is like the mini size of Adrian.. as in the way they act n their character.. n Zender.. haha. he gt abs! OMG! so cute... den Pan Ling Ling is SO SO SO SUPER chio!!! arghs... wonder how old she is.. she's still so pretty.. haha.. i just rmb dotdotdot's fav mcs actress is her.. haha! n her kids super cute la.. esp the older 1.. he's like tryin to perform well in front of the cam.. but usually his 'cool-ness' appears to be fierce.. haha.. he v cute!!
tokin abt dotdotdot.. while we're at bugis.. i just happen to saw her so called rumoured husband walkin pass me.. haiz..
n back to pan lingling.. wah lao! eric was callin me to stand in for them.. then ling ling came n say... nvm la.. i stnad myself la.. i very tall de leh.. =.= n to rub in.. she continues.. n my husband oso v tall de leh.. =.= thanks ah! shld haf told her i stnadin in for her son la! kns!
then at science centre.. dere's this machine which u can weigh urself n it'll tell u how much u weigh in the diff planets.. n juliet was like standin in front of it.. n one of her feet is on the machine.. n then she goes.. oh no.. shit.. i dun wan to noe how heavy i m.. n she's like struggling dere for super long.. -=.=
haiz.. watever! tmr just wish me n juliet luck.. arghs!
n i'm so lookin fwd to listenin to fiona bitch abt little nyonya.. heard that sth really exciting happened tdy.. i want to go too!!

theory, classroom and words are killing me! i need more frames,edits and fun!!!
give me back my production life!!! arghs!!!

9／15 重生日！

2008-09-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

我和张艳终于画下完美的据点了。
套二师姐的一句话：“世上没有偶像剧。”
据点很完美，但结局仍然不是我想要的。

但我庆幸的事，我有了个答案了。
或许从始至终，我只在寻找一个答案吧。
5个月1个星期的挣扎，对她8个月28天的感情，一切结束了。
读了和她最后的email,我感觉写email的人如此陌生。
或许是这样，所以也没我想像中的痛吧。
她从前的亲切，从前的礼貌，是她们所说的客套话而已吗？
我曾跟她说，如果在演艺圈，一定要懂得保护自己，但原来还没真正进入，她已经学会了这防身术了。
她是第一个让我那么容易卸下盔甲的人。
对，我们认识不久，但她却能让我那么轻易的久相信了她。
义无返顾的相信。
那封email,毫无感情。
感觉就像被迫答复我苦苦的追问而回的。
完全是个陌生人。
她说她不值得我为她付出，但我没后悔为当初我认识的她所做的一切。
如我跟她说的，将来如果哪天她需要我，让我知道。在我能力范围内的，我一定做到。
这是我对她最后的承诺。
而她，当初我认识的她，在我心目中还是如此的完美，
也将永远为她在我心里最深处留下一个重要位子。

不过无论如何，我将为我身边所有爱我，关心我，心疼我的人，
为我的梦想，为我的人生从新开心的奋斗。
开心果回来了。继续带给大家欢乐。
到时不要又闲我太吵好了。
呵呵。

弟弟：对不起。我不知道生日会是你办的。
我那天真的很伤心。真的不想扫大家的兴。
等你考到好成绩我再陪你庆祝！

Uncle Donut: oki.. i'm really searching or a new skin.
will put up a nice nice skin for u b4 u book out! :D

For G, Pam, Gloria and especially all my dearest colleagues: Thanks for everything.

Oh no.. i'm really beginning the life of my 2s!!
haha.. yea.. auntie rose is still the leader! :X